I’m in a bent-out-of-shape mood at the moment. I’m feeling really riled up, angry, frustrated and anxious. However, I know the moment will pass as soon as this blog is written. I’m being honest and vulnerable about my feelings because that is one of my intentions for 2015 – to be REAL with how I FEEL in every moment and acknowledge those feelings. It is quite empowering to do so and it keeps you from building up a lot of emotional density that will only make you ill over time – and who needs that – so I’m just going to FEEL and avoid ILL. I encourage you to jump on board with me and let me know how it goes.
Ok, now that I got that off my chest, on to the topic of “it’s not your business!” It’s actually not a topic, it’s a TOOL! Yes, it is a great tool that can be used in so many instances in your life to avoid conflict, drama and undue stress, tension and suffering – especially in relationships. This marvelous tool came through in a session months ago and it has served my clients and me quite well. I thought I’d share it for your use in 2015.
The fact is, most things in life are not your business. The only thing that is your appropriate business is yourself. That’s it! That means that everything else, including your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, family members, co-workers are really not your business.
Now, if you are a mom of an infant, young child or children then that is the only exception. Those young children are your business 24/7 until they are old enough to take care of themselves and make decisions for themselves. You may not agree with those decisions or how they care for themselves, but at that point, they are no longer your business.
We like to make others our business so that we don’t have to deal with ourselves. It’s a much more entertaining form of DISTRACTION to be in others business than to have to deal with our own lousy crap. It is also a form of manipulation and control to be in anothers’ business. We think that if we can control the other person, we can control whether we are safe or not, get hurt or not, abandoned or not, get what we want, and so forth.
In truth, it is quite unbecoming of a behavior for anyone to indulge in, but most of us do it all the time. We are not in full awareness or consciousness that that is what we are doing until we are called on it. I am calling you on it today! Wake up and mind your own business and leave everyone alone!
Do you want to know what got me all riled up today? I sent an email to my ex concerning our daughter and other important private matters. His girlfriend read it and sent me a response! Was that her appropriate business when the email was clearly addressed to my ex and only my ex? I am quite sure she thought so. This has led to some very unfortunate consequences. Had she stayed focused on her own personal business all this ridiculous drama could have been avoided. This is just one clear example of how important it is to ask yourself if you are sticking your nose in something that is truly not your business.
Of course we can all create “valid” reasons why we think something is our business. We are genius at convincing ourselves that everything is our business if it is somehow connected to us like a relationship, family member, co-worker or neighbor. Just because you are married to him/her or living with him/her or dating him/her does not mean they are your business. In fact, they are not!
It is so important for us to realize that everyone is a sovereign being and to treat everyone as such. That means that everyone is responsible for handling their own lives, choices, actions and non-actions. It is not for you to step in and give advice or “tell” another sovereign being what to do or how to do it unless they expressly ask.
It is also not your business to judge another. Whew! Now that’s a hard one to process. We all make thousands of judgments a day and we don’t even realize it. I will be honest and admit that I had some very choice judgements about that girlfriend when I received the email response from her. I am only human for crissakes! However, I awoke to what I was doing and had to feel my rage, acknowledge it and own it, take a breath and formulate a conscious response. (I’m still formulating).
The key here is to catch yourself when you are getting into things that are not your business, pause, take a step back and make another decision that is in alignment only with your own personal self. In my personal case, I am having to evaluate what is my business around this whole situation and deal with only that. My business is my daughter and not his girlfriend’s reactions, thoughts, opinions or ideas. It is also not my business that my ex allows his girlfriend to read his private emails. This requires a clear energetic space within me to know what is my focus and what is not. I do not want to create a drama beyond what is at the moment. It would only harm me and my daughter in the end and I carefully and consciously do not choose that.
So let’s practice to make sure you understand what is your business and what is not. I am going to state some common scenarios below and let’s see what your answer (reaction) might be. Is it your business or not?
- Should I die my hair red or purple?
- I want my girlfriend to die her hair purple because that is my fav color.
- Should I let my husband/boyfriend go on a trip to Las Vegas with the guys?
- Should I let my wife/girlfriend go out with her friends?
- My boyfriend/husband is constantly late to work.
- My girlfriend/wife is always judgmental of my friends.
- My guy dresses like a bum when we go out to eat.
- My woman dresses like a hoochie mama when I take her to a nice restaurant.
- My guy/girl spends way too much time on Facebook/Twitter/Texting.
- Who is he/she talking to on the phone?
- My guy eats like a dumpster and developing a beer gut.
- My woman doesn’t exercise enough and I’m concerned that she’s gaining weight and won’t look good in public when I am with her.
I know many of you will want to argue with me, but the only thing that is your business of these examples is what color to die YOUR hair. The rest is NOT YOUR BUSINESS!
Did you notice how most of the scenarios were actually JUDGMENTS? Yes, most of the things we get into that are not our business are usually judgments we have about how we want someone else to be or act. Hidden in the judgment is a manipulative control mechanism or it’s an outright need to control the other.
Of course you can honestly share your compassionate and understanding concern about someone’s health, for example, as long as it is truly coming from a place within you where you are not attached to the outcome or to whether they respond to you or not. If you can share with someone from that place of utmost detachment with no need to “influence” an outcome, then go ahead.
I can hear some of you saying, but I CARE that is why I make it my business. Hmmm….let’s sit with that for a moment. Why do you care? What’s in it for you? Usually people “care” because there is some hidden agenda, something in it for them that they are not acknowledging. Who are you really caring about? Is it a truly genuine caring that has nothing to do with controlling an outcome? If so, then great – go ahead and care!
I’m pointing out all these subtleties to awaken a new level of awareness in you about what is truly your business and what is not. We tend to waste so much of our personal energy focused on what’s not our business and then we create dramas around those distractions that create even bigger distractions and damage.
Just stop. Focus on YOU right now in this moment. That’s it. Nothing else. Feel your body, your feet, your hands, your chest. Notice how you are feeling physically, emotionally, and energetically. Bring yourself into present moment NOW. Breathe. Feel your heart beating. Follow your breath. All of this is your profound business. Doesn’t it feel so much better to pay attention to YOU in the moment? And, if it doesn’t, then ask yourself what you are running from and be willing to face it.
Enjoy this TOOL! When in doubt, it is probably not your business. Move on. Leave it alone. Drop it. Come into present moment. Focus on you. Shift within you what is creating the issue outside of you. This might be hard to accept, but ALL issues that show up outside of you are a reflection of something within you that may need addressing. It will do you no good to address it with the other person until you have addressed it within first.
In Summary: Don’t make something your business when it really isn’t. Choose PEACE!
Take an Action: If you are struggling in relationship because you keep wanting to make the other person way too much of your business and it’s creating tension or you can’t decide whether to stay or go because of all the tension, check out this audio presentation and live group clearing I did at an Expo this past weekend.
Until next time, it’s not your business!
Much love and light!